Being Daisy: Chapter 7

Days seemed to go by faster now. Life was suddenly easier, and happier. I didn’t mind Tom and his mistress anymore. Everything seemed so easy; life seemed so easy. I felt like I could do anything; conquer the world. With Jay on my side, I actually could. He made everything easier. He colored my black and white world; he gave me life again. Everything now seemed right.

I started to see him more often. I would go by his house in the afternoons. Seeing him was the best part of my day, the best part of my life. Nothing could go wrong when I was with him. He made me feel safe, he made me feel loved, and he made me feel like I mattered for the first time. It was so strange; I didn’t feel like this before. Just the way he looked at me was enough to make me forget the reality, and we drifted deep into our own world again. Now, I started going to that world every afternoon.

I invited Jay to lunch one day, and I told him to invite Nick too. He called me saying that Nick would be here tomorrow, and I suddenly was relieved. I couldn’t cope with Tom and Jay all alone, I needed someone to be there, and Nick was the perfect man for the job. I phoned Nick after talking with Jay, and told him how glad I was that he was coming.

The next day was a broiling, and certainly the hottest summer day. When Jay and Nick arrived, Jordan and I couldn’t even get up to greet them, we just lay down on the couch, not able to move. Tom didn’t greet them as well. Just when the door opened, the metallic shrill of the phone disturbed my peace once again. That woman without decency kept calling my house more often. I looked into Jay’s eyes, and calmed down.

‘’The rumor is, that that’s Tom’s girl on the telephone’’ whispered Jordan. I wasn’t a rumor it was the truth I thought. Tom’s voice rose in annoyance in the hall. He was screaming something about a car. ‘’Holding down the receiver’’ I said, I knew that it was that woman calling, he didn’t have to go around pretending that it wasn’t her. Nick’s answer surprised me though, he told me that it was a bona-fide deal, and he knew about it. I believed Nick; he would have kept quite if it really was that woman. If Nick knew about it, then it was true.

Tom came back, looking rather upset. I told him to go make drinks for us, to buy us more time. As soon as he left the room, I found the strength to get up slowly. I went over to Jay and pulled his face down to kiss him. Suddenly everything seemed alive again. The real world disappeared around us as we kissed, but reappeared as our lips slowly parted. ‘’You know I love you.’’ I muttered.

Just then as we were talking my sweet daughter came into the room. ‘’Blessed precious, come to your own mother that loves you.’’ I called to her. She was beautiful, all dressed up, her blond curly hair straight. My sweet little girl then met Nick and Jay. Jay kept looking at her in amazement, like he never believed in her existence before. As my daughter and her nurse walked away, Tom walked towards us with four drinks in his hands.

We had lunch in the dining room, after the boys came back from outside. We were just talking about what we should do, and I had the sudden urge to go into town. ‘’Who wants to go to town?’’ I cried with joy. Jay’s eyes floated towards me, he looked so cool. Our eyes met again; our gazes locked. Tom and the others disappeared around the table as we stared at each other alone in space. I made an effort to look down on the table. ‘’You always look so cool’’ I muttered.

Then I told him that I loved him, and Tom saw. I knew he saw, and I knew that he heard it. He was astounded. His mouth opened a little, and his gaze shifted between Jay and me. I didn’t want him to find out this way. I felt so sorry, I regretted saying those words. I couldn’t hold myself, the words just spilled out of my mouth, and I had no control over it.

‘’You resemble the advertisement of a man.’’ I continued innocently, trying to pick myself up and just cool the environment; trying to make Tom forget what he just witnessed. Tom suddenly jumped up and said that he was willing to go to town. He rushed us outside, and it was too hot to fuss.

‘Well, you take my coupe and let me drive your car to town’’ suggested Tom to Jay; distaste appeared in his face. He kindly told him that there wasn’t enough gas, but Tom objected and said that he would buy some from the drugstore; you could buy anything from a drugstore these days. A pause followed this unnecessary remark. I looked Tom frowning, and an unfamiliar expression came to Jay’s face.

Tom the pulled me towards Gatsby’s car, but I stood where I was like a hard rock that stood it’s ground, I refused to move. ‘’You take Nick and Jordan. We’ll follow you in the coupe’’ I said. I knew what I was doing, and I was aware of the risks. I didn’t care anymore; I never wanted to leave Jay’s side. I walked close to him touching his coat. The other three got in the car and shot off into the heat, leaving us out of sight.

‘’I’m scared’’ I suddenly blurted out, hugging Jay. He hugged me back, trying to comfort me. ‘’I know,’’ he said ‘’No one told you that it was going to be easy.’’ But it felt so easy when I was with Jay. I didn’t imagine it would be this hard. We stood there in the middle of the desert heat, hugging each other. I never wanted to let him go, I already did that mistake once. He slowly backed and kissed me one more time before we got into the car, and drove away.

Our ride was silent. Words weren’t enough to communicate our feelings now. We had a way of communicating without speaking now. There was nothing more to say, or nothing more to do. I thought about the idea of leaving Tom. The heaviness of the idea came crashing down on me. I felt like I couldn’t breath. It seemed so easy before, but now I wasn’t sure that I could do it. I looked at Jay who was driving.

We passed an old looking garage where Jay’s car was parked on the side. I told Jay to pull right and wait for them, and we did. He held my hand, and we locked gazes again. Just as he was leaning in, a bright yellow car stopped behind us. Jordan screamed that she wanted to go to the movies. ‘’It’s so hot.’’ I complained ‘’You go. We’ll ride around and meet you after.’’ I hoped that they would agree. I wanted to spend more time alone with Jay. But of course they didn’t.

We then pulled over to the Plaza Hotel and rented a room to talk. The suite was so hot as well. Tom started making personal remarks to Jay, and I didn’t like it one bit. I told him that I wasn’t going to take his attitude, and I wouldn’t stay there a minute if he continued. He stopped and I looked at Jay apologetically. The light in his eyes drew a smile to my face, and I suddenly felt that I was brightening the room like the sun brightened the day. I controlled myself and wiped it from my face.

Tom then questioned Jay about going to Oxford. I told him to open the whiskey, maybe then he wouldn’t seem so stupid to himself. He stood firm on the ground and told me there was just one more thing he wanted to ask Mr. Gatsby. ‘’What kind of a row are you trying to cause in my house anyhow?’’ asked Tom with sternness and determination in his voice.

I froze and realized the mistake I made, the risk I took. Oh how foolish of me, to think that it would be easy. The reality of the situation sunk in to me slowly as I looked across the small suite. They were out in the open, but I didn’t want them to be. Why was I so weak? I couldn’t even shut myself up and let my mouth blurt out things that I didn’t mean to say. ‘’He isn’t causing a row,’’ I said looking desperately between Jay and Tom. ‘’You’re causing a row. Please have a little self control.’’ I begged. That was enough to throw Tom off the roof.

‘’I’ve got something to tell you, old sport – ‘’ Jay began. I had to do something, this was going out of hand; actually it already went out of hand, but I still had to stop Jay from saying those words that I now didn’t believe in. ‘’Please, don’t!’’ I interrupted helplessly. ‘’Please let’s all go home. Why don’t we go home?’’ My desperate efforts weren’t enough, and I failed. Nick got up trying to help me, but he also failed as well. Tom and Jay drifted into their own world now, not caring if we were there or not. ‘’Your wife doesn’t love you,’’ said Jay ‘’She’s never loved you. She loves me.’’

There, he said it. The words that terrified me; the words that I was too scared to say blurted their way out of his mouth. The main reason I couldn’t say these words out loud, even to myself wasn’t the fact that they scared me. It was because they weren’t true.

Tom said some things that just seemed like a whisper far away. ‘’You’re revolting.’’ I suddenly found myself saying. ‘’Do you know the real reason why we left Chicago?’’ Jay suddenly came next to me, and told me that was all over now; he so sweetly tried to comfort me. ‘’Just tell him the truth – that you never loved him – and it’s all wiped out forever.’’ he said.

I hesitated. I looked at Jordan and Nick. It suddenly dawned on me. I wanted to throw myself out of the window, scream and sob until my I lost my voice. Storms were raging inside me, but I showed no sign of it. ‘’I never loved him.’’ I said.

The words fell out of my mouth, and that moment I wish they never did. I heard Tom saying things in a distance, but I didn’t listen to what he was saying. ‘’Daisy?’’ he said, with a husky tenderness and love in his tone. ‘’Please don’t’’ I begged, and turned to Jay with tears in my eyes. I didn’t believe in the things I was saying. I was standing there lying to my husband, the man I once loved. ‘’There Jay’’ I said.

The storms that were raging inside me decided to come out and show themselves at that moment. ‘’Oh you want too much.’’ I cried to Jay. ‘’I love you now – isn’t that enough? I can’t help what’s past’’ I began to sob. ‘’I did love him once - but I love you too.’’ They went on arguing, leaving me sobbing on the floor. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Tom then said that Jay sold grain alcohol over the drugstores, and that is how he became rich. I couldn’t believe the words I heard. He lied to me. The man I trusted with my life, the man I planned to run away with, the man I planned a new life with lied to me. I stared at my husband and Jay in a terrified way. Jay turned to me and denied everything, the false accusations that had been made about him.

‘’Please Tom! I can’t stand this anymore’’ I said. Whatever intentions and courage I had, were now gone from my eyes. I realized that I didn’t know what I was thinking when I invited Jay for dinner. I didn’t know the dangers of telling Tom this way, until now. Tom said that I should go with Jay. I looked at him, alarmed, but he was sure, he looked sure of his decision. And without a word, we were gone.

I was very nervous when we left the hotel, and I thought that driving would calm me down. And again, I was wrong. We were going down the road, and there was another car coming in the other direction. A woman suddenly rushed out of nowhere. I panicked, didn’t know what to do. I first turned away from her towards the other car, but then I don’t know what came over me. I suddenly lost my nerve and turned back. We both felt the shock on the wheel. Jay tried to make me stop, but I wouldn’t. It was like I turned into a rock, I couldn’t move. He pulled the emergency brake, and I flopped onto his lap. He drove from there on.

I locked myself in my room for a while. I tried to breath, but I couldn’t. I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. It didn’t help. If Tom did anything to me, I was going to turn the light on and off so Jay would come and get me. The lights in my room were on now, and I lay on the bathroom floor with my eyes red and swollen. I felt like a corpse, a walking dead. I dragged my body out of the bathroom into the house.

Tom and I sat down at the kitchen table, across each other. He was talking intently, but I didn’t hear anything he said from the echoing and ringing scream of the woman in my ear, just like the metallic shrill of the phone that also rang in my ear that night in June. I raised my head once a while and nodded in agreement. His hand covered mine as we sat down looking at the full plates in front of us.